Facing the Void with Hitomebore

Since my last entry, I kept thinking back to the void: the lack of monumental pursuit that gives my life purpose. I mean I am going to college, and I am, supposedly, climbing this “ladder” up to the elite society, yet I don’t have any actual real value. This value, as I have previously argued for, is to leave some kind of legacy or something for other people. But because I have no achievement that I am truly proud of, I dread. I am scared because I will only be a cog in the rhythmic movement of time. That’s why I hate the void. 

The sun was finally out again and the clouds were back in its distinct cotton candy shape. The world slowly rotates, carrying me along. I sat on a chiseled stone next to my college’s architectural building staring out over the gorge. Is it even possible for someone to even have an existential dread in this fine weather? I cannot let myself linger there any longer. 

“Order 70!” The blond woman in the food truck called. That’s my pork ramen.

I revisited the catalyst of my existential fear: Ikiru. The movie makes us all think deeply about how to live, but it also does suggest ways to make life meaningful. Watanabe escapes it through doing something. But what did he do exactly? A monumental project, sure, but it is not for himself. Or maybe it is? Anyway, people benefitted from it. It’s hard for me to do something like that. I am not a bureaucrat. I am not engaged in any project. Or am I deceiving myself? But maybe the movie should not be replicated piece by piece. If that’s the case, what can I do? Watanabe does not realize what he needs to do from the beginning; he wanders around trying to do things he thinks will make him happy. A string of failures leads him to the right one. Maybe I can do this too. I’ll try to do something, not only fun to me, but might also be interesting to other people. But what can I do?

Last semester, I went down to New York. Actually, I went there multiple times. The first, to celebrate my birthday with my girlfriend. The second, to break up with her. The third… The fourth, to hang around with friends. I can’t remember exactly when, but there was once when I met with my friends from high school in the City. We randomly chose a fancy steak restaurant to eat at because the ramen shop we wanted to go to was full. I was getting a bit worried because I was sure I could not afford a $40 steak. Luckily, they had a cheaper end of the menu. And while the server was trying to promote the restaurant’s premium Spanish steak or something, we all chose a $10 sandwich and smiled at him. He was disappointed but took in our order anyway. My friends asked me about my classes, and for some reason, I talked about Japanese class and how I found this one word to be really interesting: 一目惚れ (hitomebore). The word translates to love at first sight, but by its character composition, there are romantic nuances that cannot be translated into English. I cannot remember how exactly I explained it, but my friends seemed really intrigued despite their nonexistent knowledge of the language. 

“If you explain this word to girls like how you passionately describe it to us, I’m sure they will fall for you instantly,” one of my friends joked. 

But that’s it! Subconsciously, I like explaining things. But what I like to explain most are the nuances of things that people don’t really see. The feedback I get, the interested faces that they make, filled me with a sense of satisfaction. 

This is where I will start my journey. I am not sure what really makes me fulfilled, but explaining random Japanese words to people is really satisfying. I am a beginner of the language myself and I also have no background in Chinese, but when I do learn something and am able to explain it, I become really happy. If I do fall into the void again, I’ll find other ways or other projects that I can do myself. But for now, I will be finding random Japanese language trivia to entertain you.