The Dissatisfying Semester

My first year in college is soon coming to an end. The flowers are blooming, the leaves are becoming green and the sun is coming out. The year went by really fast. But thinking about it, I don’t think I was satisfied with what I am learning. I am an urban studies major, but I am only interested in parts of it. Over the year, I quickly lost interest in many aspects of my major. When I talk to people in my major, I realize that we are different in many ways. Nevertheless, I felt comfortable being with them.

I thought a lot about why I am dissatisfied with what I am learning. Maybe it is just that I cannot think of how I can apply the knowledge yet. In high school, I enjoyed classes that were more practical where I can see the connection between what I learn in class and what I do outside the class. However, I still don’t really see this connection in what I am learning. I think what I am learning will be very important in the future, but I just feel somewhat itchy. It’s as if I am impatient.

A few days ago, I watched a Japanese movie named Ikiru. The movie follows a Tokyo bureaucrat, Watanabe, who found out that he is terminally ill. Throughout the journey, he takes pleasure in gambling, spending money and talking to girls, but at the end of the day, he found that none of it relieves him of his existential pain. This shallow sense of enjoyment cannot give him meaning for he only has six months left to live. In the end, Watanabe found meaning through pushing a park project through city hall, despite all the other departments ramming against him, trying to maintain the status quo. He barely manages to build the park in time before he dies. What I admire most about him is that he never confronts anyone aggressively. When a subordinate asks him why he is not frustrated being walked over by anyone, the protagonist replies in a soft voice that he does not have time to dislike other people. It is this peaceful rebellion for the fulfillment of one’s own project that I really yearn for. People keep telling me to be patient. But it’s very hard to do so. Because who knows? If I were to die tomorrow, I don’t think I am very satisfied with what I have right now.

Others tell me that I shouldn’t push myself too hard. That I should sit back and enjoy life as it is. That, it is best to enjoy the small pleasures of every day. I don’t think it’s wrong to do so, but I don’t think I personally derive much meaning from it. “Why don’t you want a normal life?” Some people might ask me. For some reason, a passive yet peaceful life is only a mediocre one to me. There is nothing wrong with being mediocre. It’s just not for me because I am impatient. It is because I yearn for something more. If I wake up to a beautiful day where everything goes on fine with the sun shining and flowers blooming, but nothing new really appears, I don’t think I can live like that.

It is bad to be impatient, I know. Some even think that I am stuck in that competitive individualistic mindset – the Caesar or nothing mentality. I am still figuring out for myself, but I don’t think at this moment I subscribe to any philosophy on how to live. There are plenty of books, religions, and videos on youtube that will try to preach to me on how to make the best of my life. However, I don’t think that any of a specific one applies to me. That is why I want to stick to the Existentialist motto where existence precedes essence: I have no predetermined value; it can only come from the actions I choose to do. Still, I can, of course, choose a few of myriad advice I get. You should use your summers productively in getting an internship. You should go out more often. You should go to parties. You should strive for an easy life, one of passivity. You should strive for one that really challenges you. I hear so many conflicting pieces of advice on how to live only to become confused in the end. Honestly, I am pretty tired of people telling me what is valuable and what is not. This is not useful. This is not going to help you for a certain job. But these are their systems of values; they are not mine. In my last few entries, I argued that there is meaning in following what people say. But there is a limit to how much I should follow. I think I need to figure out myself what I enjoy. I need to figure out what kind of person I really am, what I like to learn about, what makes me happy. In other words, I need to figure out by myself how to live.

I think I am too concerned about finding the best way to maximize my time here in college. I am too worried about taking the right courses. I am too worried about my professional appeal. I strive for good grades. But in the end, none of it really makes me happy. I want to be able to do something concrete. If not something that will change how things are, then at least something I will feel proud of at the end of the day. And so I will set out on a path to find it. I hope you are along for the journey.

In all, the semester was partly dissatisfying because I am not really learning or doing things for myself. In my free time, I am too concerned with doing something that will impress people or contribute to my “self-growth.” And when I failed to achieve so, I retreat into playing hours and hours of video games only to end up like Watanabe: empty inside. I blame it on the college. I blame it on my major. But after writing this, I realized that it was my fault all along. If men were condemned to be free, I have not used my punishment correctly. Time is running out. Many think that they have an eternity or at least four years in college to figure out their lives. For me, it is different. I cannot go on living relying on the future for a sense of purpose.