'S All Good, Man

"It's... show time... It is showtime... It's showtime..."

I stood in front of the mirror, repeatedly muttering the phrase under my breath. With each iteration of the spell I would shyly fan my hands out in front of me. If it worked for Jimmy McGill, there's no reason it wouldn't work for me too.

I hadn't slept. Not much, anyway. I learned why the flight was called a "red-eye." A flight is hard enough to sleep in, but the nerves and anticipation for the coming day certainly didn't help. If someone swayed the right way, I would probably fall asleep on the spot. Luckily the bags under my eyes were adequately obscured by the glasses I wore.

I was attempting to conjure someone else to bear the burden of today's responsibilities. The day demanded someone charismatic, outgoing, professional, witty, and agreeable. Maybe I could be a few of those things at a time, but not all at once. I had practiced today's script, but I knew I would fumble the delivery, as I always did. The script wasn't even good to begin with, this time.

"Hey, my name's Kai, what's your name?"

"I'm from Utah."

"I studied urban planning in undergrad, so I'm interested in land use law. That's why I came here to the City."

I anticipated more from these simple introductions than I could write. Where can I add some spice? How can I be more interesting? And what would I say after that? I couldn't come up with it then, but I knew I would be able to come up with some interesting lines once I got there. Lines that would likely never leave my mouth. I've never been confident enough to say all the things I want to say.

So I needed someone else to do it for me. That's what this whole ritual was about.

I didn't dress like myself. I was gussied up in the whole lawyerly getup for the lawyerly introductions. I purchased it for occasions like these. I got measured and waited weeks for them to get the suit just right. I had to show them that I belonged here. Because my words alone would never be sufficient.

I adjusted my tie before attempting to cast the spell one last time. This time, with just my hands. They could speak for themselves.

"It's showtime, folks!"

*As it turns out, people at law school are just normal ass people. Most people were there in casual clothes. They weren't all good at talking. Some talked about things I didn't find interesting. I anticipated I would feel so out of place. But people really are just people. I write all of this after having finished a week of law school. I'm beginning to cultivate what I anticipate will be a close group of friends. I probably even knew that my anxiety was stupid then, but I was very nervous nonetheless. I'll try to remember next time that at the end of the day, it's all good, man.